Ali Wong is 42, divorced, and thriving. Aside from her solo-and-fabulous status, her wit in various areas of her life puts her in a league of her own.
I grew enamored with Ali Wong after seeing her in the drama series “Beef” and the rom-com “Always Be My Maybe” (which she also produced and wrote), but it wasn’t until I started watching her stand-up specials on Netflix that I realized comedy is her first and true claim to fame.
Wong’s shows were not what I expected, yet they were just what I needed without realizing it. Onstage, she’s shamelessly crude and crass, as has always been the case with many a female comedian, but she also manages to inject refinement into her dick jokes.
Through it all, her ability to spotlight and explore the most unpleasant aspects of dating, marriage, and parenthood is groundbreaking because she says what we’re thinking – in the most vivid, cruelly humorous way possible.
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Ali Wong Netflix specials range from her 2016 debut, “Baby Cobra,” to her most recent, “Single Lady,” which premiered on October 8, in which she discusses the various stages of femininity.
So, in honor of Wong’s ongoing development, I compiled a list of her most scathing lines (with minimal context, so you’re tempted to watch the new show and reward yourself with a little laugh), from her blissfully married-with-new-baby stage to her beautiful divorceé phase.
- “You gotta make this dude believe your body is a secret garden when it’s a public park.” — “Baby Cobra”
- “I don’t feed my husband out of the goodness of my heart. I do it as an investment in my financial future.” — “Baby Cobra”
- “I think feminism is the worst thing that ever happened to women. Our job used to be no job. We had it so good. ” — “Baby Cobra”
- “A lot of women get really freaked out about anal. You ain’t scared of the pain. What you’re really scared of is doo doo on the dick.” — “Baby Cobra”
- “For three months, I was walking around my house with a top knot, giant diaper, nipples bleeding. Like a defeated sumo wrestler.” — “Baby Cobra”
- “He took me to see Beyoncé. He bought me a bike off of Craigslist — that’s my miscarriage bike and I love it very much.” — “Baby Cobra”
- “I can tell I’m getting older because my immediate thought when I see an 18-year-old girl is fuck you.” — “Baby Cobra”
- “If you haven’t licked ass yet, grow up and learn how to be in a long-term, committed, lasting relationship where you have to make sacrifices for the greater good.” — “Hard Knock Wife”
- “Maternity leave is for new moms to hide and heal their demolished-ass bodies.” — “Hard Knock Wife”
- “Our nanny is 62 years old. Yes, I would never accept anything younger than 62 years old.” — “Hard Knock Wife”
- “Bro-y dudes become bro-y dads; I’m the same piece of shit that I always was before I became a mom, now with just more responsibility, and I’m barely rising to the occasion.” — “Hard Knock Wife”
- “When a woman sleeps with a man right away, it’s not because we don’t respect ourselves, it’s because we don’t respect you.” — “Hard Knock Wife”
- “Now I’m in monogamy jail and I don’t know how to get out.” — “Don Wong”
- “I want to have it all. I want to have a family, a career, and a side piece.” — “Don Wong”
- “A divorced mom just wants to get dicked down.” — “Single Lady”
- “Communicate? That’s married people’s shit, OK? I’m retired from that.”— “Single Lady”
- “One woman’s trash is another woman’s trained trash.” — “Single Lady”
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